It's okay.

It's okay to have devious, demented, and dark thoughts. It comes with the territory of being human. but please.., love the good within you enough to not let them consume you. It's okay to look out on the edge of sanity and see the depths of madness below, but don't get too close and slip. don't get too overwhelmed with life that you jump..

I love you.

Stay open with yourself. Stay honest with yourself. Stay loving to yourself.

things end. (naturally..)

this is just like those sunny days,
when things were warm, when things were smooth,
the days seemed to never end, just beginning.
routines never seemed so bad around this time.
I smiled more.
now that things have turned light,
things have turned cold and uneasy.
the leaves all fell naturally.
things were getting colder,
loves were turning numb.
everything in every aspect.
the things that made us warm..
that safe place..
things fell at an even faster pace.
too busy focusing on the leaves,
than the tree itself...

disconnected.

disconnected.
too many thoughts go uncollected.
too little lessons when I retrospect.
trying to rekindle and connect.
trying to endure, and ash out the numb
while feeling such resentment.
dodging the empathy to be my relentment,
searching for contentment in others.
every time I'd slip,
falling in the validation of others without grip
of what I should understand.
like a victim of my own,
disconnected from my own alone.
suffering but seeing it in better perspective,
broken train of thought, a social defective.
constantly rejecting the sobriety,
battling the warriors of my anxiety,
so numb to the society..
in my own mind.
my own concepts.
in need of a recreated project.
there's no limits, no boundaries.
like a broken tune,
missing spaces misplaced rooms.
all in my mind
running to the things I'm escaping from..
But I'm just still so numb.

darkened dwellings.

dangerous.  it is a dangerous thing.
crawling from the deepest depths of hell.
the deepest, darkest well of your being.
eating you from the inside.
pumping through your veins to your brain,
and your heart.
the main organs just don't stand a chance against such a monstrosity.
like a horror film projecting itself repeatedly in my mind, while the walls around me closed in.
made me sick.
enough to throw up the little faith I had.
Intending that the pill of hope would make me feel better,
make the pain die away..
it wasn't the pain that died.
I died
hoping to be reborn
because this depression took over.
my heart, my brain, my thoughts, my happiness, my soul...
the things I tried to protect.
the things that made me, ME.
I tried..
I fell victim to the torture.
sleepless nights
most days I felt nothing, but numbness.
I felt like a zombie
hoping that I would be saved, but who does the saving when you're suffering,
and have only yourself?
pushing the thoughts back to the vault of hell in my mind because,
I didn't want to be a burden.
I didn't want to release my demons from the body it possessed..,
speaking out would let these jagged words get to you,
so you could feel my pain.
let the blood spill as my demons sufficed.
such a firm grip on my soul.
so firm that it often made me weak.
tired, frustrated, discouraged, dejected..
my demons grew fond of me..
laughed at me,
made fun of me,
made me feel like I was made from nothing,
a forgotten nothing.
but I was something, and someone,
in the midst of the darkness.
demons feast upon the most undeserving souls. the most angelic so they say..
but even I had my share of iniquity,
so it found comfort in me...
from the little crack of light the slipped through..
alive, well, and morbid.
demons come from the darkest secretions in the heart.

I will.

In the darkest parts of yourself,
where the pain still lives
the rooms inside yourself you are afraid to let go, let alone let anyone in.
the parts you're trying to forget...
the parts filled with neglect and regret.

I will love you there.
where you are hurting the most..,
I will love you right there.

may you find clarity in your slumber.
may your dreams be filled with wonder.

I love you.

untitled 10 p.m.

I wrote this because of you.
if I could take you where I've been,
you couldn't stand it.
if I could make you feel what I felt,
you'd feel the pain of a unforgiving flame.
the pain was unbearable.
if I show you my battle scars,
then maybe you'd hear my cries
through all the hurtful things you did,
all the painful things you put me through.
I remember the times where I'd sit by my phone,
waiting for a response to those long
text messages.
waiting for an answer on the other end of the line.
I got nothing.
nothing except for a thin string
that couldn't even save my life.
It was hopeless
You were the poison that I craved like
a hopeless drug.
I was attached.
I suffered from every dose from which I took in
more than enough.
you filled in those cracks from a wine glass that
was shattered long ago.
you continuously drunk from me,
draining the soul and spirit I had
till I had nothing left.
my shattered remains spilled.
one by one.
when would this end?
I walked as if I had it all together,
but inside I was dying,
dying from a lacerated love
I thought would heal,
but the shards remained
sharper than steel.
a cold blade that stabbed deep in my heart
I thought that was it
life was over as I knew it..
I had nothing left but a coaster to carry me.
somehow
someway,
I survived.

I lived to love again.

soft.

smooth lavender.
smooth like wooden antique furnishings.
the background plays the kind of music
that makes you trickle your finger against
that soft and silky skin.
reruns of dreams,
where the ocean waters drift
on the creamy shore.
I could taste you.
lick the edges of your creases,
and fold as we combine
effortlessly as one.

my calming peace.
my sweet velvet.

butterflies.

on that spring evening,
I felt something I wouldn't forget.
the first time ever feeling such a strong attraction.
strong and tall.
the troubled past leaked through the cracks of your smile,
the steps you took with so such calmness and stride.
ambition and passion leaked through the heavy bass and metaphoric lyrics.
you were hidden.
hidden to be separate from the norm.
the sun shined through the darkest and deepest place in your eyes.
that place spoke to me.
it resonated with me.
there was a long walk home but you walked with me.
telling me the void you wanted to fill,
and the love you never felt.
you confided in me.
the times you looked, I smiled.
I didn't tell you of the bright colored insects that took over my body,
making it hard to breathe, and made my palms sweat that evening.
I had known all that time, but I was unsure.
You made me feel calm, and relaxed.
I was shot with certainty and trust,
Letting my walls down willingly.
Time flew past,
and we got older.
we clicked like channel switches,
and the unknown became known.

wanderer.

I am the player of the game.
the game of life would always be the same.
life is beautiful, but it could also be tarnished,
like rose petals with dark stained garnish.
just when I thought I had an establishment
of purpose,
when we are just a mere item of life's purchase.
I could create something wonderful for you and I,
something worth so much more than thoughts of suicide.
I had an objective.
sure enough.
make my actions and words match to be effective,
because I tried this thing one too many times,
constantly speaking and doing things from anger without using the mind.
constantly asking for materialistic things
instead of healing my broken wings..
so I could fly again.
soar in the wind.
I had to make amends,
right my wrongs from sin,
with love, peace, and freedom.
speak to the universe to fight those demons.
search to find the beauty in the bad,
search to find the goodness in the sad.
and even when you search, 
I hope you find the true beauty of this earth..

mere thoughts of a wanderer.

Proceed.

so little time
so little pathway.
life has its way of changing courses,
no matter how sad, hurt, happy, upset you are.
the universe, I plead to work with me,
to help guide and mold me
into something greater.
someone greater than I was yesterday.
to look in the mirror and see such progress,
strength, genuineness, kindness
and intelligence.
to replete me of knowledge and love.


time is running out.

Self Awareness.

self love is powerful.
when you realize that you have self awareness,
only then you'll see that you can love another as to the way you love yourself.
and know when to leave when
love no longer lives.
please take heed.

11 p.m.

have you ever felt music that made you feel sensual?
Calm?
Like you were being seduced?
yeah. that's me right now. feeling sensual. liberated. I could feel the unknown touch.
smooth music prevailed while I gazed up
At the clouded, glowing moon.
my head rocked back and forth.
I was in another place.
and it wasn't a bad thing.
It's alright to get this time.
I needed this feeling to never end.
there was a tear in a fantasy and realism
everything became silent.
reality had sunk in.
the stars and moon had been untouched
all along..

a poem for you,

you were like a brother.
even though I have several of those,
none of them were there like you were.
having you in my life helped
and changed a lot,
from toddlers to preteens
you introduced me to anime and video games,
I became a huge "tomboy",
everything felt like a whole new world to me.
from reading Harry Potter to Captain Underpants,
playing football in the yard and with the sticks and pinecones weren't bad either.
I enjoyed every moment we shared.
I lived for those memories of us.
Even got through the tough times we shared,
and we'd each take our discipline from our loved ones,
cry and get over it,
only to be doing the same things over again.
playing video games like Pokémon with each other and sharing sibling like love, while still fist fighting like we were strangers at times, and being angry at one another,
but it wasn't all so bad
when you had someone to go through those tough times with,
like you didn't feel alone going through
life and difficulties we constantly faced,
and when I was secretly over-shadowing my depression,
we watched over each other in a weird kind of way.
you helped me become who I am today.

you,
A friend,
and
A brother,

I appreciate all you've done for me. 

                                  -xo 

open thoughts.

today I've came to a realization. a life realization. something that I needed to understand for years but never put enough thought into it until today. you know like, you know what to do put you just never put it into action? contradicting yourself  and not taking your own advice? yeah that's me. you can't grow and blossom around negativity. you just can't do it.., and if anything, you become negative. your mindset changes, and before you know it, you're going off on the ones you care about because it's just only so much you can take. there's only so much a human can bear. so in order to blossom, you have to leave the negativity behind. no matter how much you find comfort there, it's bad for your health; mentally, emotionally and physically. no matter how much you might "love" it. you have to get out and leave. be around those who uplift and inspire you with their love, positivity, and essence. can't let that negativity mold you into something you're not - grow from it. be better. be positive. be great. speak these words into existence, and start now. & in due time, you will be.

flaw. deformity.

we hide behind the human condition,
to hide flaws and
our imperfections.
continuously hurting the people
who love us.
using excuses for our redundant mistakes.
expecting people to forgive us
because we "deserve" it.

Confusion

I just have this feeling.., and it's a different, weird kind of feeling. Not sure if it's even explainable but.., I don't know. I'm kind of mindlessly rambling... I just know that this feeling isn't a good one after all.., I thought my beneficial addiction would get me through this, just this once, but unfortunately it's not; surprisingly. The feeling of loneliness petrifying me, along with this, feeling that's eating me up. I feel so numb... I'll overcome this.

Reminders to self

There as I lay; I daydream about "the good life". You know, that good life. The one where you don't have any worries, or any troubles. Yeah that one specifically. It feels so close yet so far. Contemplating on my future but the past is still patronizing. I needed to get somewhere. Not for my own sake but for my child's' also. I can't keep waiting and anticipating these dreams I held onto like my pride. Yeah dropping out of college a year ago was a biggie for me. Why? Because I'm suppose to be the intelligent, smart one in my group of older siblings. Yes, I'm the youngest. 22 going on 12 it seemed like. Felt like everyone was ahead of me. "Karica what are you waiting on? You should've been graduating college this year. You ain't doing nothing with your life. I'm just so disappointed in you. You're suppose to be the intelligent one in the group, you've fallen like the rest.." Beating myself up over past mistakes I couldn't help hoping I could correct them. I also had these.., expectations my family had for me. They wanted me to climb the rope without throwing one down to help me.. I was on my own., always have been. It was just that.., I was under a lot of stress, (past relationships were drowning me, lost hope for life, taking care of a child & my father, working at a job that overworked & underpaid me) and I slipped back into my depression. Depression was frequent. Something I was very much familiar with, but I've always strived to dodge the destruction. So laid there, contemplating over and over. Reminding myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to, and the storm wouldn't last long. Thought long and hard before I dropped down to my knees and prayed. Talked to God for a while until I came to a conclusion. I could do this. I knew I could. If I just keep my goals in focus and the people who mattered the most, I could do anything. My daughter was the number one. I just can't bear to have her live the way I lived; growing up the way I grew up.. I just couldn't. I had to put ME to the side for a while, because there's a little precious 2 1/2 year old that says "I love you Mommy.", everyday. She deserves the world. I might've couldn't give it to my first precious child Serenity when she was here for that short period, but the least I could do was do it for my babygirl Hazel. Not that I'm entitled, but it's because there's nothing in this would that I'd want more than to see my beautiful daughter happy, smiling, and her future wouldn't be rough like my past. This is just something I feel in my soul. Something that I need to do at any cost. I want to be comfortable along with the people I loved. I want stability. My goals are within my grasp, I just have to get there and dodge every obstacle that gets in my way. So I strive. I am strong, I am fearless, I am ambitious, and I am spirited. I'm determined to get to where I need to be in the next few years.. I just needed that push. :)

Journeying

She was captivating. Far from the ordinary, but yet familiar. I've seen this before but I never felt this energy but yet it was paradoxical. She was very strong-willed, peaceful, and always found the beauty in one's sorrows. She was like an unfathomable goddess, and you could see the roots through her unorthodox views and structure. I always called her ILOLA (ee-LOH-lah), which was from African origin and descent. The name meant "to become strong". It was a perfect fit for her. She'd come from a long past life that I was very much familiar with. Ilola was also a black woman; a STRONG black woman. I hadn't ever met such a compassionate, tireless person until I met her. Very intuitive, intelligent, and always absorbed in whatever she set her mind too. Her chakras were very aligned, and she had reached the highest form of purity  and enlightenment. She had her faults, but who didn't? I admired her. I wanted to be as close as possible to her. She kind of reminded me of Erykah Badu in the past life. Ilola's energy was a force to be reckoned with, pure ecstasy..., but I wanted to achieve this nirvana at any cost... My epiphany. My moves were being measured. I was now on a soul search. Journeying.

You

        It's just.., something about you. Something about you that stands out from the rest. Could it be your eyes? Looking into your eyes could calm me through the worst situations. Or maybe even it's something in your smile. The way the curves of your lips rise so heavenly, the way that right dimple deepens without interruption. Maybe it's way you laugh, the way you talk, walk, eat... It's kind of like a special puzzle that I've come across, & I somehow lost that last puzzle of the finishing piece. I'm so close, but such a rarity... such a tough find... I guess you could say I'm pretty lucky huh? You know me so well.. Shoot you probably even know me better than I know myself.., and every person in the past that I've come across seemed like I couldn't be decoded; but you did. That work paid off huh? It's like after you've put into years of investment into a job that you have all the right potential for to be a CEO. You made it to the head boss status, and  I applaud you for that.
         You've taught me so much.. from self love all the way to music and history. Things I would've never thought were true. Things that I thought made no sense gradually made sense to me... (*Chuckles*) let's not forget, I taught you something too. A few things actually. Things you caught onto, but you jokingly hated to give me credit. You also stretch this word empathy to me, I don't think I've ever heard the word as much as you'd use it. Always tried to exercise this and express this to me, even tried your best to apply this yourself. Empathy was something I learned from you. You tried to utilize and take advantage of your own advice no matter the cost & I loved that about you. Always striving to conquer and be the best you could be.
        We just had the most in common. Lacking self love, growth, uncontrollable anxiety, depression.., you were like a mirrored reflection of myself; just like me. That's what I loved most about you. I didn't care about looks, I cared more about your personality and well being if anything. You were beautiful. Never met someone so complex but yet so simple. Simple enough for me but others couldn't quite understand you. You were growing so I didn't judge you with anything you did, because all I wanted was the best for you, and to help you grow; to blossom with you. I didn't judge your insecurities, and didn't pick because who am I to judge? I might as well create the universe doing so. Your insecurities couldn't stop the way I felt for you, and this feeling wasn't something I could shake. Something so small couldn't outshine the good I saw in your heart.
       I could choose the things you liked almost in an instant. Your favorite color, food, music, hoodie, movie... You were growing on me something serious. It was something strong, secure, & passionate, and I loved every single bit of it. It had gotten to the point where I just always wanted to be surrounded by your love, comfort, and protection. Something about the way you held me made me feel that at that moment, nothing else mattered. No one mattered. Being in your arms made me tranquil and safe. Your kisses make me quiver and sent chills down my spine. Your touch made me weak. Your smile makes me feel.., i and always smile back. You could make me smile effortlessly and laugh without trying... you were contagious.
         You genuinely care about me, and I know because when it's real you feel it. You feel every inch and piece of love if it's there. You're my best friend foremost, and you've always looked out for me, no matter the situation. You wanted to see me happy regardless if it was with you or someone else., and I remember when you told me at that exact moment I said to myself, "I think I found my soulmate". Never had a friend like you. Never had anyone in my life that came as close as you did. I wanted to be even closer. Hand in hand, and secured in your arms forever. Swallowed in the brown eyes of the strong black kings before you. You were strong, stronger than any depression, while hovering over your anxiety. I see a conqueror of a thousand battles you've fought before me.., and I wanted to stay there. & your natural, sincere heart; I wanted to live there, where I find peace forever.

have you ever?

have you ever

seen the smile of a broken woman?

looked up at the sky before it rained again?

have you ever

felt as if no one could hear you sorrows?

felt a pain so bad that depression followed?

have you ever

acted as if everything was okay?

felt as if no one cared anyway..

have you ever

felt your world crumble under you
to think you had many but only a few?

Mary

Sweet, sweet redolence

could taste you and catch ketosis,

becoming so owned and dependent,

dirt on my soul clearing out your innocence,

inhale your chronicled inheritance

with thoughts of the herb's benevolence.

Always carefree and tranquil,

with so many reasons to be thankful.

You've been through with me through most,

compelled and accompanied with the moonlight ghost,

intolerant to your essence,

while replaying these epiphanies of a lesson,

if i could get lost in your world...

Enough

I just wish I was good enough
Anxiety cringing, with a splash of fear
Fear of being a burden yet clinging onto things so dear
Math was never my best suit but I did that to make you proud,
Bringing in the highest grades felt you lifted me 
Only to fall back into reality
But still thinking on life before of fatalities
But what was it?
What really happened? 
Was it the hurt that became apparent?
Nah you just didn't want to be a parent.
Bruises were deep but words were unfathomable, 
Giving you thoughtful reasons to why realizing it wasn't practical, 
you'd think a mf change going to church so now you're this baptist?
You "praise" the lord hypocritically, thin lines cut like plastic,
Laced with the blood of sin running with hatred, 
crack and cocaine opened you realizing your love was sacred,
But I hate it.. 
thoughts on your life made you complacent
Prideful and satisfied, family made no statements.
I wanted you to love me like Monty loved his three little girls, 
Love me like I was special because I felt like no one cared so I had to settle
The closer I got to God the more he became the devil
dunken footsteps, hollow yells for help ties
in need of my help had to read between the lines
But I loved you wished I could've gave you my life
Tears on your cheekbones ran through the night,
Sorrows filled with grief, and your heart full of spite
You cared unrecognizable and tough
But all I really wanted was to be good enough.