darkened dwellings.

dangerous.  it is a dangerous thing.
crawling from the deepest depths of hell.
the deepest, darkest well of your being.
eating you from the inside.
pumping through your veins to your brain,
and your heart.
the main organs just don't stand a chance against such a monstrosity.
like a horror film projecting itself repeatedly in my mind, while the walls around me closed in.
made me sick.
enough to throw up the little faith I had.
Intending that the pill of hope would make me feel better,
make the pain die away..
it wasn't the pain that died.
I died
hoping to be reborn
because this depression took over.
my heart, my brain, my thoughts, my happiness, my soul...
the things I tried to protect.
the things that made me, ME.
I tried..
I fell victim to the torture.
sleepless nights
most days I felt nothing, but numbness.
I felt like a zombie
hoping that I would be saved, but who does the saving when you're suffering,
and have only yourself?
pushing the thoughts back to the vault of hell in my mind because,
I didn't want to be a burden.
I didn't want to release my demons from the body it possessed..,
speaking out would let these jagged words get to you,
so you could feel my pain.
let the blood spill as my demons sufficed.
such a firm grip on my soul.
so firm that it often made me weak.
tired, frustrated, discouraged, dejected..
my demons grew fond of me..
laughed at me,
made fun of me,
made me feel like I was made from nothing,
a forgotten nothing.
but I was something, and someone,
in the midst of the darkness.
demons feast upon the most undeserving souls. the most angelic so they say..
but even I had my share of iniquity,
so it found comfort in me...
from the little crack of light the slipped through..
alive, well, and morbid.
demons come from the darkest secretions in the heart.

I will.

In the darkest parts of yourself,
where the pain still lives
the rooms inside yourself you are afraid to let go, let alone let anyone in.
the parts you're trying to forget...
the parts filled with neglect and regret.

I will love you there.
where you are hurting the most..,
I will love you right there.

may you find clarity in your slumber.
may your dreams be filled with wonder.

I love you.

untitled 10 p.m.

I wrote this because of you.
if I could take you where I've been,
you couldn't stand it.
if I could make you feel what I felt,
you'd feel the pain of a unforgiving flame.
the pain was unbearable.
if I show you my battle scars,
then maybe you'd hear my cries
through all the hurtful things you did,
all the painful things you put me through.
I remember the times where I'd sit by my phone,
waiting for a response to those long
text messages.
waiting for an answer on the other end of the line.
I got nothing.
nothing except for a thin string
that couldn't even save my life.
It was hopeless
You were the poison that I craved like
a hopeless drug.
I was attached.
I suffered from every dose from which I took in
more than enough.
you filled in those cracks from a wine glass that
was shattered long ago.
you continuously drunk from me,
draining the soul and spirit I had
till I had nothing left.
my shattered remains spilled.
one by one.
when would this end?
I walked as if I had it all together,
but inside I was dying,
dying from a lacerated love
I thought would heal,
but the shards remained
sharper than steel.
a cold blade that stabbed deep in my heart
I thought that was it
life was over as I knew it..
I had nothing left but a coaster to carry me.
somehow
someway,
I survived.

I lived to love again.

soft.

smooth lavender.
smooth like wooden antique furnishings.
the background plays the kind of music
that makes you trickle your finger against
that soft and silky skin.
reruns of dreams,
where the ocean waters drift
on the creamy shore.
I could taste you.
lick the edges of your creases,
and fold as we combine
effortlessly as one.

my calming peace.
my sweet velvet.