Confusion

I just have this feeling.., and it's a different, weird kind of feeling. Not sure if it's even explainable but.., I don't know. I'm kind of mindlessly rambling... I just know that this feeling isn't a good one after all.., I thought my beneficial addiction would get me through this, just this once, but unfortunately it's not; surprisingly. The feeling of loneliness petrifying me, along with this, feeling that's eating me up. I feel so numb... I'll overcome this.

Reminders to self

There as I lay; I daydream about "the good life". You know, that good life. The one where you don't have any worries, or any troubles. Yeah that one specifically. It feels so close yet so far. Contemplating on my future but the past is still patronizing. I needed to get somewhere. Not for my own sake but for my child's' also. I can't keep waiting and anticipating these dreams I held onto like my pride. Yeah dropping out of college a year ago was a biggie for me. Why? Because I'm suppose to be the intelligent, smart one in my group of older siblings. Yes, I'm the youngest. 22 going on 12 it seemed like. Felt like everyone was ahead of me. "Karica what are you waiting on? You should've been graduating college this year. You ain't doing nothing with your life. I'm just so disappointed in you. You're suppose to be the intelligent one in the group, you've fallen like the rest.." Beating myself up over past mistakes I couldn't help hoping I could correct them. I also had these.., expectations my family had for me. They wanted me to climb the rope without throwing one down to help me.. I was on my own., always have been. It was just that.., I was under a lot of stress, (past relationships were drowning me, lost hope for life, taking care of a child & my father, working at a job that overworked & underpaid me) and I slipped back into my depression. Depression was frequent. Something I was very much familiar with, but I've always strived to dodge the destruction. So laid there, contemplating over and over. Reminding myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to, and the storm wouldn't last long. Thought long and hard before I dropped down to my knees and prayed. Talked to God for a while until I came to a conclusion. I could do this. I knew I could. If I just keep my goals in focus and the people who mattered the most, I could do anything. My daughter was the number one. I just can't bear to have her live the way I lived; growing up the way I grew up.. I just couldn't. I had to put ME to the side for a while, because there's a little precious 2 1/2 year old that says "I love you Mommy.", everyday. She deserves the world. I might've couldn't give it to my first precious child Serenity when she was here for that short period, but the least I could do was do it for my babygirl Hazel. Not that I'm entitled, but it's because there's nothing in this would that I'd want more than to see my beautiful daughter happy, smiling, and her future wouldn't be rough like my past. This is just something I feel in my soul. Something that I need to do at any cost. I want to be comfortable along with the people I loved. I want stability. My goals are within my grasp, I just have to get there and dodge every obstacle that gets in my way. So I strive. I am strong, I am fearless, I am ambitious, and I am spirited. I'm determined to get to where I need to be in the next few years.. I just needed that push. :)

Journeying

She was captivating. Far from the ordinary, but yet familiar. I've seen this before but I never felt this energy but yet it was paradoxical. She was very strong-willed, peaceful, and always found the beauty in one's sorrows. She was like an unfathomable goddess, and you could see the roots through her unorthodox views and structure. I always called her ILOLA (ee-LOH-lah), which was from African origin and descent. The name meant "to become strong". It was a perfect fit for her. She'd come from a long past life that I was very much familiar with. Ilola was also a black woman; a STRONG black woman. I hadn't ever met such a compassionate, tireless person until I met her. Very intuitive, intelligent, and always absorbed in whatever she set her mind too. Her chakras were very aligned, and she had reached the highest form of purity  and enlightenment. She had her faults, but who didn't? I admired her. I wanted to be as close as possible to her. She kind of reminded me of Erykah Badu in the past life. Ilola's energy was a force to be reckoned with, pure ecstasy..., but I wanted to achieve this nirvana at any cost... My epiphany. My moves were being measured. I was now on a soul search. Journeying.