Confusion

I just have this feeling.., and it's a different, weird kind of feeling. Not sure if it's even explainable but.., I don't know. I'm kind of mindlessly rambling... I just know that this feeling isn't a good one after all.., I thought my beneficial addiction would get me through this, just this once, but unfortunately it's not; surprisingly. The feeling of loneliness petrifying me, along with this, feeling that's eating me up. I feel so numb... I'll overcome this.

Reminders to self

There as I lay; I daydream about "the good life". You know, that good life. The one where you don't have any worries, or any troubles. Yeah that one specifically. It feels so close yet so far. Contemplating on my future but the past is still patronizing. I needed to get somewhere. Not for my own sake but for my child's' also. I can't keep waiting and anticipating these dreams I held onto like my pride. Yeah dropping out of college a year ago was a biggie for me. Why? Because I'm suppose to be the intelligent, smart one in my group of older siblings. Yes, I'm the youngest. 22 going on 12 it seemed like. Felt like everyone was ahead of me. "Karica what are you waiting on? You should've been graduating college this year. You ain't doing nothing with your life. I'm just so disappointed in you. You're suppose to be the intelligent one in the group, you've fallen like the rest.." Beating myself up over past mistakes I couldn't help hoping I could correct them. I also had these.., expectations my family had for me. They wanted me to climb the rope without throwing one down to help me.. I was on my own., always have been. It was just that.., I was under a lot of stress, (past relationships were drowning me, lost hope for life, taking care of a child & my father, working at a job that overworked & underpaid me) and I slipped back into my depression. Depression was frequent. Something I was very much familiar with, but I've always strived to dodge the destruction. So laid there, contemplating over and over. Reminding myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to, and the storm wouldn't last long. Thought long and hard before I dropped down to my knees and prayed. Talked to God for a while until I came to a conclusion. I could do this. I knew I could. If I just keep my goals in focus and the people who mattered the most, I could do anything. My daughter was the number one. I just can't bear to have her live the way I lived; growing up the way I grew up.. I just couldn't. I had to put ME to the side for a while, because there's a little precious 2 1/2 year old that says "I love you Mommy.", everyday. She deserves the world. I might've couldn't give it to my first precious child Serenity when she was here for that short period, but the least I could do was do it for my babygirl Hazel. Not that I'm entitled, but it's because there's nothing in this would that I'd want more than to see my beautiful daughter happy, smiling, and her future wouldn't be rough like my past. This is just something I feel in my soul. Something that I need to do at any cost. I want to be comfortable along with the people I loved. I want stability. My goals are within my grasp, I just have to get there and dodge every obstacle that gets in my way. So I strive. I am strong, I am fearless, I am ambitious, and I am spirited. I'm determined to get to where I need to be in the next few years.. I just needed that push. :)

Journeying

She was captivating. Far from the ordinary, but yet familiar. I've seen this before but I never felt this energy but yet it was paradoxical. She was very strong-willed, peaceful, and always found the beauty in one's sorrows. She was like an unfathomable goddess, and you could see the roots through her unorthodox views and structure. I always called her ILOLA (ee-LOH-lah), which was from African origin and descent. The name meant "to become strong". It was a perfect fit for her. She'd come from a long past life that I was very much familiar with. Ilola was also a black woman; a STRONG black woman. I hadn't ever met such a compassionate, tireless person until I met her. Very intuitive, intelligent, and always absorbed in whatever she set her mind too. Her chakras were very aligned, and she had reached the highest form of purity  and enlightenment. She had her faults, but who didn't? I admired her. I wanted to be as close as possible to her. She kind of reminded me of Erykah Badu in the past life. Ilola's energy was a force to be reckoned with, pure ecstasy..., but I wanted to achieve this nirvana at any cost... My epiphany. My moves were being measured. I was now on a soul search. Journeying.

You

        It's just.., something about you. Something about you that stands out from the rest. Could it be your eyes? Looking into your eyes could calm me through the worst situations. Or maybe even it's something in your smile. The way the curves of your lips rise so heavenly, the way that right dimple deepens without interruption. Maybe it's way you laugh, the way you talk, walk, eat... It's kind of like a special puzzle that I've come across, & I somehow lost that last puzzle of the finishing piece. I'm so close, but such a rarity... such a tough find... I guess you could say I'm pretty lucky huh? You know me so well.. Shoot you probably even know me better than I know myself.., and every person in the past that I've come across seemed like I couldn't be decoded; but you did. That work paid off huh? It's like after you've put into years of investment into a job that you have all the right potential for to be a CEO. You made it to the head boss status, and  I applaud you for that.
         You've taught me so much.. from self love all the way to music and history. Things I would've never thought were true. Things that I thought made no sense gradually made sense to me... (*Chuckles*) let's not forget, I taught you something too. A few things actually. Things you caught onto, but you jokingly hated to give me credit. You also stretch this word empathy to me, I don't think I've ever heard the word as much as you'd use it. Always tried to exercise this and express this to me, even tried your best to apply this yourself. Empathy was something I learned from you. You tried to utilize and take advantage of your own advice no matter the cost & I loved that about you. Always striving to conquer and be the best you could be.
        We just had the most in common. Lacking self love, growth, uncontrollable anxiety, depression.., you were like a mirrored reflection of myself; just like me. That's what I loved most about you. I didn't care about looks, I cared more about your personality and well being if anything. You were beautiful. Never met someone so complex but yet so simple. Simple enough for me but others couldn't quite understand you. You were growing so I didn't judge you with anything you did, because all I wanted was the best for you, and to help you grow; to blossom with you. I didn't judge your insecurities, and didn't pick because who am I to judge? I might as well create the universe doing so. Your insecurities couldn't stop the way I felt for you, and this feeling wasn't something I could shake. Something so small couldn't outshine the good I saw in your heart.
       I could choose the things you liked almost in an instant. Your favorite color, food, music, hoodie, movie... You were growing on me something serious. It was something strong, secure, & passionate, and I loved every single bit of it. It had gotten to the point where I just always wanted to be surrounded by your love, comfort, and protection. Something about the way you held me made me feel that at that moment, nothing else mattered. No one mattered. Being in your arms made me tranquil and safe. Your kisses make me quiver and sent chills down my spine. Your touch made me weak. Your smile makes me feel.., i and always smile back. You could make me smile effortlessly and laugh without trying... you were contagious.
         You genuinely care about me, and I know because when it's real you feel it. You feel every inch and piece of love if it's there. You're my best friend foremost, and you've always looked out for me, no matter the situation. You wanted to see me happy regardless if it was with you or someone else., and I remember when you told me at that exact moment I said to myself, "I think I found my soulmate". Never had a friend like you. Never had anyone in my life that came as close as you did. I wanted to be even closer. Hand in hand, and secured in your arms forever. Swallowed in the brown eyes of the strong black kings before you. You were strong, stronger than any depression, while hovering over your anxiety. I see a conqueror of a thousand battles you've fought before me.., and I wanted to stay there. & your natural, sincere heart; I wanted to live there, where I find peace forever.